ShaVinnyT. The uncertainty.

9th of April 2011. 
It has almost been 2 years since my brother disappeared.
I have had a difficulty dealing with his disappearance, I went from having hope to not accepting what has happened, to being angry then sad, blaming myself and what I could've done differently to prevent this misery from my brother and the rest of my family. Today I have no idea of what I'm feeling about it, I don't know if I should have hope or not. All I know is that I miss him, his place in my life is empty and nothing or no one can replace that. I think the only way I can really believe or feel anything about this is if I get some kind of prof that he's alive, or he's coming back or that he is dead...

This uncertainty is what is tearing us all apart, but my family are staying strong for each other or at least we all are trying.
   Nights when I dream about him it's always the same scenario but in different places and with different people. It's always a warm place, and it's crowded, either he's hiding and only letting me know that he's around or everybody knows his back and they are all laughing with tremendous joy and I come up and bitch slap him across his face and hit him as much as I can and I cry and then I smile and ask Why?!?
The morning after when I wake up, I usually get angry, sad and confused at the same time cause his presence still feels real and I know that it isn't. Because, I still don't know anything, where he is, dead or alive. I just don't know. All I know he isn't anywhere to be found. Some days are more frustrating than others.

The other day my mother was talking about my parents plans about maybe buying a house, in the middle of our conversation she asks me ; If we move, how will your brother find us? 
When she asks me stuff like that it's like she's stabbing my heart and she's doing it slowly.
I have tried different approaches, tried to make her realize that he may never come back but that ended up badly several times or I've just changed the subject some way.
So this time I had to suck it up, lie and say; the internet how else, or he could just ask our relatives and family friends it's not like you're moving from this town. 

Afterwards I took our dog, my brothers dog for a walk. I walked for an hour or so and I just cried and cried. Because of the fact that I had to lie and that I don't know what to believe myself and that my mother still isn't willing to try to accept it, I can't imagine how a mother feels about loosing a child. This situation is just fucked up!!!
When the first snow came this winter, she looked out of the kitchen window and said: I hope he's not freezing out there... 

Wish I had some kind of a power so I could do something about this situation :(

I just have to keep on living, and keep on missing until some kind of sign of him shows up...

Love you and miss you Sh. V. T