ShaVinnyT. The uncertainty.

9th of April 2011. 
It has almost been 2 years since my brother disappeared.
I have had a difficulty dealing with his disappearance, I went from having hope to not accepting what has happened, to being angry then sad, blaming myself and what I could've done differently to prevent this misery from my brother and the rest of my family. Today I have no idea of what I'm feeling about it, I don't know if I should have hope or not. All I know is that I miss him, his place in my life is empty and nothing or no one can replace that. I think the only way I can really believe or feel anything about this is if I get some kind of prof that he's alive, or he's coming back or that he is dead...

This uncertainty is what is tearing us all apart, but my family are staying strong for each other or at least we all are trying.
   Nights when I dream about him it's always the same scenario but in different places and with different people. It's always a warm place, and it's crowded, either he's hiding and only letting me know that he's around or everybody knows his back and they are all laughing with tremendous joy and I come up and bitch slap him across his face and hit him as much as I can and I cry and then I smile and ask Why?!?
The morning after when I wake up, I usually get angry, sad and confused at the same time cause his presence still feels real and I know that it isn't. Because, I still don't know anything, where he is, dead or alive. I just don't know. All I know he isn't anywhere to be found. Some days are more frustrating than others.

The other day my mother was talking about my parents plans about maybe buying a house, in the middle of our conversation she asks me ; If we move, how will your brother find us? 
When she asks me stuff like that it's like she's stabbing my heart and she's doing it slowly.
I have tried different approaches, tried to make her realize that he may never come back but that ended up badly several times or I've just changed the subject some way.
So this time I had to suck it up, lie and say; the internet how else, or he could just ask our relatives and family friends it's not like you're moving from this town. 

Afterwards I took our dog, my brothers dog for a walk. I walked for an hour or so and I just cried and cried. Because of the fact that I had to lie and that I don't know what to believe myself and that my mother still isn't willing to try to accept it, I can't imagine how a mother feels about loosing a child. This situation is just fucked up!!!
When the first snow came this winter, she looked out of the kitchen window and said: I hope he's not freezing out there... 

Wish I had some kind of a power so I could do something about this situation :(

I just have to keep on living, and keep on missing until some kind of sign of him shows up...

Love you and miss you Sh. V. T

¡The Wall!

Recently I have discovered a new trait about myself,  a trait that I never thought I would own.
Don't think that I'm liking this trait, let me describe it for you in a couple of words; 

Heartless
Numb
Careless
Ice cold

How I discovered this trait was by giving a person that I barely knew from high school a chance to get to know me, hang out with me and know my thoughts. 
This I decided to do after a year and a half pushing people away and not letting anyone to come near.
I came to notice that I am being very superficial with this person, I do tell him the truth about everything and myself but I'm not letting HIM in. 
As a person he is unexplainably sweet and kind, at times he is too kind. He gives me compliments I'm not used to hearing, he treats me with respect and always making sure that I'm okay and telling me to let him know if the says or does anything wrong. 
What man does that these days? 
He has his flaws too of course, nobodies perfect. The way he thinks when it comes to the ladies doesn't seem real. 
And I think this way because I have loads of guy-friends and I have ex boyfriends which were great but I sum it up by saying : They are guys they have a total different way of thinking... but this guy is somehow proving me wrong. I like to joke and say that he watches way too many movies, cause guys like that don't exist nowadays. Until it upset him, so I never said that again hehe

So let me get to the issue here, I have trust issues and I have become very cold as a person.
I can be kind, a goofball and kind of caring but that's it. I realized I now have a problem letting people in, I have always given people a chance to show me who they really are, and this guys is trying but I'm not embracing it. 
The other day he asked if we are cool, it had been days since we talked, and I said of course we are why wouldn't we be? he said: "You not like other girls, girls usually always text or call or reply really fast and ask tons of questions but you don't.  You just answer when you feel like it, you barely contact me and yet you say you like to hang out with me. And when we hang out, you never give me a real answer for me to understand where YOU are in your thoughts or what YOU feel. I feel pathetic like I'm the girl and you're the guy."

I never thought that I would be THAT person. The careless, whatever, not gonna put an effort into talking to a person who is ohw so amazingly kind. 
Without realizing it I have taken all my feelings put them in a box, taken the box put it way back behind the ice-creams in the freezer inside of my body and built a thick and massive brick wall in front of that freezer where no one can get in. I guess it will take a lot for me to get those feelings back inside my heart where they belong. Someone has to literally take down the brick wall, find the box somewhere in the back of the freezer take it out and let it melt. 
It will take a miracle to bring me back, or thats what I feel today... 
By shutting off my feelings I feel more alive? can I say that? I take my decisions by just thinking and not feeling if its good or bad. 
Some ways it pretty much sucks, because I never thought that this would be a trait I would have to become so careless. 

I just have to work on it, and I'm not ready nor want a relationship either so it doesn't really matter, it's just that I really don't want to hurt anyone by being like this. 
Hopefully I will soon stop being heartless and just learn to use my heart a bit less.... hmm :/

Reposting this song, cause now I can somewhat relate :) 

Thoughts that may not make any sense

Is life a continuous wheel of suffering?
When is it that a person can feel real immensity of joy? That is what we all are striving for, feeling happiness, joy and euphoria!?!
Lets say that someone has 'the perfect life', a good carrier, wonderful partner, all the love they can handle, food, warmth, material things to simply survive in the world and etc.
Is this person genuinely happy?

My thought is that a human being is never satisfied nor happy with Life. She always wants more and more.
The will/the wanting. Is the source of what drives people forward, always wanting more, which leads to dissatisfaction.
It is in the nature of the will that it can never be satisfied and always blindly must grope for satisfaction.
The wanting basically never stops, the human being wants more from her work,  her love, her partner, society and mother nature...
Basically the humans essence is The Will... ?!?!?
I believe that the only escape a person can have from their will is through art; painting, music, dancing and etc
My personal escape is through music (sometimes dancing). When you are in the rhapsody of music you can disconnect and in a way turn off the button of all your wanting.

I could've said love, knowing that I am / was a sucker for love, but recently I realized that you always want more and more from love. It could be because of the pleasure of being loved or loving someone or even the pleasure of sex, that brings a certain kind of satisfaction which lies in the human nature. Through love, you constantly want to feel a certain high,  you want to feel that unexplainable extraordinary feeling all the time and once you have tasted the fine flavor of love, its never enough. We drive ourself crazy to get more from another human being for introducing that deep feeling we can't give ourselves. So I don't think love is the answer to happiness, it's just a comfortableness which could make life a bit easier or worse.
That's why I exclude love from this topic.

I guess existence is based on the present, which constantly disappears. Because life is a constant change which no one, no thing nor no time can stop. That is why this constant change is the reason for not feeling tranquillity and happiness throughout life. 
I have both read and talked to different types of people about this subject, as a conclusion they all say:
"People can't feel the real joy of life just by breathing, the only time you feel 'the joy' we all are searching for is through intoxication to feel a high by injecting something into the body we own. It could be everything from alcohol to different types of drugs. Only then you will feel the joy, the euphoric and happy feeling we are searching for by existing and living. "

Why is that?
I wish I could answer that question but unfortunately I can't.
For now I just have to continue to wonder until life or my personal experiences maybe will give me some answers... or not.

Ending this post with a little quote from Schopenhauer (even if I don't agree with all his philosophy) ;
"Happiness in the present, yet no man has known - if not as drunk"