Mortmain ; "the often stifling past on the present."

How well I know what I mean to do 
When the long dark autumn-evenings come.

...I will speak now,
No longer watch you as you sit
Reading by firelight, that great brow
And the spirit-smal hand propping it,
Mutely, my heart knows how. 

...If two lives join, there is oft a scar.
They are one and one, with a shadowy third; 
One near one is too far. 
- Browning 



[And everyone has their price to pay, I don't know what to believe...
I'll call out to the world; 
"Hello, can you hear me?" 
Oh I will wait for my little songbird, but it's not the right time.
I will fly out on my own. 
So, if you see my little songbird, can you tell him I'll wait here, down by the shoreline...]

"a taste of real breath of life..."

silent agony

fu

the trick is, to keep breathing

Take what's left of me
Put it in your box of tricks
And hide it so far away

Stop this gray charade
Keep the cards in closer
I can see all
The mess you make

Why did you come here
And if you leave here
It wont be hard
Why did you come here
And if you leave here
You wont be alone

Is this the place
That I can't escape
No it wasn't really
Meant for me

Take your firey tongue
And your circus clothes
And get out
While you can

If, I hang around
Keep and eye on the
Low down dirty dogs
The dusty road

Why did I come here
Fall asleep here
Hypnotized by your charm
Why did I come here
And will I leave here
Forsaker of my own

Is this the place
That I cant escape
No it wasn't really
Meant for me

Hold on
I'm back here again
The fire's 'round my neck
It's burning me to death
Hold on
I'm back here again
The fire's 'round my neck
It's burning me to death

Oh just leave me here

a quiet rage

You call it Madness, I call it Love

You will be out with friends, when the news of her existence will be accidentally spilled all over your bar stool. 
Respond calmly as if it was only a change in weather, a punch line you saw coming.
After your fourth shot of cheap liquor, leave the image of him kissing another woman.

In the morning, her name will be in every headline: car crash, robbery, flood.
When he calls you, ignore the hundreds of ropes untangling themselves in your stomach.
You are the best friend again. He invites you over for dinner and you say yes too easily... 
Remind yourself this isn’t special, it’s only dinner, everyone has to eat.
When he greets you at the door, do not think for one second you are the reason he wore cologne tonight.

In his kitchen, he will hand-feed you a piece of red pepper. 
His laugh will be low and warm and it will make you feel like candlelight. 
Do not think this is special.
Do not count on your fingers the number of freckles you could kiss too easily.
Try to think of pilot lights and olive oil, not everything you have ever loved about him,
or it will suddenly feel boiling and possible and so close. 
You will find her bobby pins laying innocently on his bathroom sink.
HER bobby pins. They look like the wiry legs of spiders, splinters of her undressing in his bed. 
Do not say anything.
When he hugs you goodbye, let him kiss you on the forehead.
Settle for target practice.

You will want to call him.
You will go as far as holding the phone in your hand, imagine telling him unimaginable things like;
 You are always ticking inside of me and I dream of you more often than I don’t.
My body is a dead language and you pronounce each word perfectly.

Do not call him.
Fall asleep to the hum of the wind.
She must make him happy.
She must be!
She must be his favorite place.
You are a souvenir shop, where he goes to remember how much people miss him when he is gone.

the tide that left, never came back

So I threw your letter into the flame
And watched the fire regain
And these words have done nothing for you
As I did not read them through
Now turned to ash in the flume

And colors are dull
As the feeling of the cold
And memories fall
As the fire is getting old
Oh and I once more am now

Don't you fret I'll find my way
Carefully walking from the devil's plane
And I know why you did not follow me
Pride swallowed me then led me astray

And now the dark in me has now seen the day
Oh my chill has now lost its way
And these hands that once had helped me to pray
They are limp in utter dismay
Oh they fall in their disarray

And colors are dull
As the feeling of the cold
And memories fall
As the fire is getting old
Oh and I once more am now

Oh don't you fret I'll find my way
Carefully walking from the devil's plane
And I know why you did not follow me
Pride swallowed me then led me astray

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover, recovering from a love I can't get over"

when music helps to put thoughts into words

FRAGILE DREAMS

"Tonight your soul sleeps, but one day you will feel real pain,

maybe then you will see me as I am,

A fragile wreck on a storm of emotion"

Countless times I trusted you,

I let you back in,

Knowing... Yearning... you know

I should have run... but I stayed

Maybe I always knew,

My fragile dreams would be broken for you.

Today I introduced myself,

To my own feelings,

In silent agony, after all these years,

They spoke to me... after all these years

Maybe I always knew...

- Anathema

you won.

"If I only had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won. "

what is forever?

true story

this is the thing...

"The less you care, the happier you'll be" ??

"Love is not Love, which alters when it alternation finds"

William Shakespeare 

sonnet 116

WTF happened to those simple days? :/ ...

The Ugly Truth and it goes both ways, the never ending cycle... 

Relationships = Bird Cage?

I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart for stupid reasons or just couples who stay in "miserable"  relationships because they are not willing to listen and accept the other person for who they are, they think they do but they really don't. The most sad thing is when they try to change each other, without thinking about how hard it really is to change one self. Most common thing is that you get so comfortable and act like you're each others properties and you loose the sight of what made you fall in love with that person and what gave you those tingling feelings in your stomach. 


Yes, relationships are about giving and taking but sometimes some things cannot be shared. 
Like, there are some feelings you have and you want to share them with your partner. By all means yes, you should share your thoughts and try to explain what you are feeling BUT you can't expect another person to truly understand what you are feeling inside. Sometimes maybe You feel like you really understand someone when they are opening up to you, but then you realize at some point that it wasn't exactly the way you thought it was, and you misunderstood some parts of it... 
I'm probably not making any sense to you who's reading this but I'm trying to explain my thoughts the best that I can. 
     Expectations... It's a given that you develop some different types of expectations when you become closer to a person. But the thing you should think about is that, the other person will also have expectations, different ones than yours. 
This may lead to that you think you owe each other some things, but you don't, except understanding and meeting half ways. Like one of my teachers always said: "Adapt, Improvise, Overcome!"  
I read once somewhere where it said; "love one another, but lets not try to posses one another", I love that sentence, couldn't agree more. 
    Let me share a story/metaphor that maybe can make you understand my weird thoughts about relationships nowadays...


'Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him. 
  One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired the bird. 
   But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! She got afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the birds ability to fly. 
She felt alone. 
She thought: I'm going to set a trap, the next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.
The bird, who also was in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.
She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, she showed him to her friends who said: Now you have everything you could possibly want.
However a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, his feathers lost his gloss, he grew ugly, and the woman no longer paid attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage. One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she didn't remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying freely. 
 If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not physical body. 
 Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning and Death came knocking on her door. 
Why have you come? she asked Death. 
Death replied; if you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more, and thats why you now need me in order to find him again.'


My point with this post is, love, be loved, share, care, enjoy life to the fullest and if you do have the luck to share it all with someone, do it! But you have to listen, try to understand and never think that a person belongs to you as an object. Never try to own someone or get too comfortable, that is when you kill the spark and the passion. Always remember that every individual have different ways of showing love, learn to appreciate the way love is given to you and not try to change that way. Just because you have a different kind of view or thought about how love is given. You show your love your way, and your partner their way... I do believe with a little bit more effort putting into understanding and not wanting too much out of relationships, relationships nowadays could be something really beautiful! Two different individuals living their own lives the way they are supposed to do and yet with each other. 

"When it isn't like it should be..."

Why is that some people try to embrace places, things that matter and people in their life when it's all gone? 
Why is it so hard to see and appreciate people and small things in life nowadays, when it's right in front of you? 
I'm not saying I'm any good at it myself... but I at least try, try to put effort in keeping people near that had some input in my life, made me feel and that I care about, I try to enjoy moments and places I experience. 
Because you never know, what the next minute or second will bring...
There are some people on this place called Earth that are so confused within themselves, that they don't see the people they hurt around them, who care for them and who love them. And in some cases they realize and really see those persons when its too late. Either the person got fed up and don't want anything to do with the 'confused person' who hurt them way to many times, or they'll literally be gone...dead! 
At that point, there is nothing you can say or do... it'll just eat you up from the inside; sorrow, pain, regrets and despair. 


In my last post, I wrote about the war against myself... so I do know, it's hard sometimes to cope with other people when you can't control your mind, thoughts and feelings, but those people that can be annoying, and are always around, even if they're not near by, those are the ones that will be there for me when I really NEED someone, to talk to, to hold, to just listen or just to show me that they just are(don't know if that makes any sense).
I think every single person has a struggle within themselves... so if there are people that come into your life and wanna care for you, love you, be there for you, listen to you, cry with you, laugh with you... why don't you just let them and try to put as much effort into that person?! 
Don't push them away because of your own struggle, let them in instead... because true friends, true love, true human connection and emotions are the ones that are always pure and shows their ugly faces, they are raw and naked. 
If there is a person coming into to your life and sees every good and bad thing about you and still wants to stick around, that's a person you should cherish in this strange and cold world!! 


My point with all this is, if you know there is a person or persons in your life that have seen every single part of you and stuck around despite your flaws, and you took them for granted and you still are.
I will tell you this; One day without you realizing it, that person wont be able to take things you put them through, one day that person will not be around anymore, and your gonna miss that person, one day you will feel the empty space that person left behind, that one day you can't do anything about it. 
Maybe you will find another friend who you will bare your soul to, but it wont be that same person! 


FYI, I'm not talking about people who have trouble letting people in, I'm talking about people who open up let people in, share a lot and then push people away just because of their own insecurity. 


There's a line in one of my favorite songs that I can relate to this kind of situation, which says; 
"You wanted my attention, but denied my affection...tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?" 
I myself can relate to this, but this time, this post is for a couple of my closest ones who have been and are going through some stuff, and having a hard time, and dealing with it in different ways... it breaks my heart to see them be in such pain, feeling an huge amount of unfairness and feeling confused when their love and care haven't been nothing but genuine and pure... 


So if you decide to let someone in, do it for real and genuinely other wise, seriously don't even bother! Specially if you see that the person is real towards you. Otherwise you will cause one type of many heartbreaks either as a friend or as a boy/girlfriend. 
And that I guess that is also a heavy load to carry... 

More than One Me.

I believe I have multiple personalities. 
All inside having a war against each other, trying to break the other down and convince each other that they're better than one another.
One of Me can flip do or say things randomly without thinking twice, while the other one regrets, thinks and goes through one scenario over and over again, and feeling bad because of the part of me that acted randomly. Then we have the part of me that doesn't know which part of me is acting right or wrong and is confused about everything. 
A part of me wants to not give a fuck about anything or anyone, another part of me can't stand the thought of not caring and not being there for people who are important and affected my life. 
People tell me: "You need to learn to think about Yourself, what YOU want, what YOU need... not what others think, what people tell you, or how you make other people feel, be more selfish! 
How can I do that when I myself is at war with myself inside this body? 
Selfish they say.... I've seen and experienced selfish, selfish people haven't done me no good.
All that the person selfish causes is scars, pain and disappointment to others. 
Sure if you know the right amount of selfish maybe it actually can do You some good, maybe thats one of the things thats wrong with me I don't know how to use selfish, because of that part of me who hates to disappoint others.... 


I believe we get to know the true part of ourself when we come up against our own limits, don't know if its a good way or bad way but its a way of realization and acceptance...
I don't know if I've always been like this, having this war I have against myself. 
Maybe it's because of everything I went through last year, that made me forget what right and wrong is, what happiness is, how much you should fight for a cause, a person and the value of things that really matter at the end of the day. 
Someday, someday I will know what part of me is right and good and maybe that someday I will stop confusing myself and others in my life. 
I hope i will fix Me soon, because it's been going on for far too long and I'm scared I will destroy the whole part of Me by letting my multiple personalities be at war. 


"I am two women: one wants to have all joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. 
The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved.
I am a housewife and a wild-child, both of us living in the same body and having a battle.
The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance.
When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. 
If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, once universe will destroy the other." 
- 'Maria' 


One thing I know is, I have trouble forgiving myself for the things I done that hurt Me!
And allowing others to do things that could hurt me, I have forgiven those that done me wrong but I still can't and haven't forgiven myself. And that is what is making me be the way I am today. 
So if I do You wrong, forgive me please.... at the end of this war, the war against myself, I promise when I have forgiven me. I'll be good to you again! 


"spend time fighting for your sanity" 

Goodbye my almost lover.

I never gave up on you.

Tried to be your lover, nothing.

                                                     Tried to be your friend, nothing.

Tried still being here for you, nothing.

Done trying and putting an effort into You.

...

Your fingertips across my skin

Images

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

(a fine frenzy)

Soon enough I will disappear. Will you even notice?

all that I've got left...

"And you, you fade
But the memory remains the same
And I, I can't change
And I think that living with your memory
Is slowly driving me insane

You are perfect but you're empty
And it gets so lonely in my mind
Cos your image in my memory's
The only shred of you that's left behind
You were real but then you left me
And that's the part I can't accept
So I'll keep on living with your memory
Because it's all that I've got left"
-Gotye

nothing's permanent in life, all except for change.

Fasle akhar.

Be cheshme man negah nakon, donbale ashke Man nagard

Bikhodi halamo napors, chizi nemifahmi azam

Ashkato kharje man nakon, ma ke nemiresim beham

To be andazeye man, be fekre fasle akhari

Faghat bedon, joone Mano dari be hamrat mibari

To cheshme man negah nakon, shahre ghame shahre chesham

Donyaye To male khodet, tanham bezar ba ghosseha 

Daran be donbalam miyan, tamame khaterate man

Midoni bi to mimiram, tire khalaso To bezan

Ye arezoo toye ghalbame, mikham ke ino bedoni

Mesle dele asheghe Man, ghalbe kassi dige ra nashkoni!! 

Hala ke raftaniam ba koole bare khatereh

In rooza rahe Mano To azizam joda shode

sahme Man az eshghe To 'Gereyeye bi seda' shode.

Man, kari nadaram ba ashkhaye To, Man, nemimiram dige baraye To

Man, nemirizam ashki be paye To, Man, khaste shodam dige be joone To

Man, joon sepordam toye zendone To, Man, mikham beram dige bedone To

Ino midonam, bedone To shabha ba ghamha mehmoonam

To nabashi, bi To man vironam

Faghat bedoon jone Mano dari be hamrat mibari

Khodahafez yare mehrabounam

Akh, ke che asoone barat, gozashtan az harchi ke bood...

Running to stand still...

How long should I wait before I let you go?
How long should I decide?
Whose side should I take when both of us were wrong?
When we both share the blame

Oh, but I love you even still, even now
Even though we fell apart
Even still, even now
But I hope we'll meet again

Whose eyes will you look in when love is in your heart?
Whose hand will hold your ring?
Whose voice will serenade to help your baby sleep?
To make it all okay

Oh, but I love you even still, even now
Even though we fell apart
Even still, even now
And I hope we'll meet again

Even still, even now
Even though we fell apart
Even still, even now
And I hope you'll be okay

and some people wonder why I love Jim Carrey...

He is one of the funniest actors on earth. Now the Man is making art!
Click here to read the article, Jim Carrey - Nothing To See Here

Here is a video of Jim Carrey using John Mayer (whom I also love) as his muse, while making his painting :)
Lovin it!!!

http://www.jimcarreytrulife.com/video-post/the-door-opens-at-the-church-of-ffc
"Take a look inside my New York art studio as I prepare for my first solo exhibition that opened in October, 2011.  Oh yeah...you may recognize a certain famous musician acting as my muse in the clip above..." - Jim Carrey

Nefrin!

Be To NEFRIN dele ashegh dele zaar, TO Mano gharghe khejalat kardi!
Be che jormi, che gonahi To Mano sozondi?
Ghame aalam be delam kooboondi!
Mesle in shekaste del, hich dele ghamgini nist

Khaliam az eshgh o khamosham, hale taze mikhaham
Bi arezo mondam, arezoye taaze mikhaham
Eshghe taaze, harfe taaze, ghesseye taaze kojast?

Chizi bego be Man ke az gerye porram
Be man ke bi sedaye To az shab shekast mikhoram
Nazaar ke az sokoote To, parpar beshan taraneha
Chizi bego, amma nago az marge yaad o khatereh
Chizi bego be Man ke khaamoshe Toam, amma nago ke Man faramoshe Toam?!

Rahayam kon az in tekrar.

I've Loved & I've Lost.

Ashes of Dreams You Let Die